ok, I already fixed the problem myself. For the people interested, here's the solution:
>[b]header.php[/b]
<ul>
<li style="background-color:#FFFFFF"><a href="<?php echo get_settings('home'); ?>">home</a></li>
<?php wp_list_pages('exclude=2,3,4,5,8,9,14,15,16,13&sort_column=menu_order&title_li='); ?>
</ul>
tabs of the pages you are not one are gray.
because there is a difference between pages and posts, this will cover the front page (home).
now add for the page.php:
><ul>
<li><a href="<?php echo get_settings('home'); ?>">home</a></li>
<?php wp_list_pages('exclude=2,3,4,5,8,9,14,15,16,13&sort_column=menu_order&title_li='); ?>
</ul>
this means you cannot include the header page in your page.php template, so you'll just have to copy/paste the header source into your page.php and make the adjustments.
this will cover the problem